Masked and Alone
by NCISiscoolerthanyou
Summary: What if Tony's mask is slipping? How will he cope when his childhood comes back to haunt him?
1. Chapter 1

A/N- So this is just a crazy attempt to capture Tony and Gibbs. Sorry I'm not perfect, therefore this won't be the most amazing thing you have ever read. But it's fun for me to write. This is only the beginning so if you like it there will definitely be more; right now it's just Tony's thoughts.

_It's a mask. I don't let anyone in, nobody needs to know the real me. I'm not amazing, I'm not some hot bachelor who has a new girl every night, actually I just sit at home and watch movies or read whenever I'm not working. The last time I had a date, it was with Jeanne. My mask seems to be perfect; I can cover up anything, although I am starting to think that Gibbs is catching on. What am I supposed to do if he asks about me? It's not like I can just lie to his face, it doesn't work, the whole lying to Gibbs thing is just suicidal. I can't tell him the truth either, then he will just think I'm a sissy. I can just imagine him saying "My senior agent is a sissy, who acts like a 12 year old boy." I can't let my mask slip. It works like a charm on McGee, Ziva, Palmer, Ducky and Abby. It's just stupid Gibbs that I can't get past! I guess life's not supposed to be easy, but is it really supposed to be this hard?_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N- I started to get reviews and Story Alerts, so I decided to go ahead and write another chapter. Thanks to everyone who has read this or gave me an alert or review. I really appreciate it!**

"DiNozzo! DINOZZO! HEY!"

B-boss? Crap, uh must of fell asleep there Boss.

"Go home."

Uh…Boss?

"Tony, did you not hear me? I said GO HOME!"

Yes, Boss

_(At Tony's house)_

_I have a bad feeling about who's at the door…God…its Gibbs, of course it is. My day just couldn't get any better! _

"Tony, open the door because I know damn well that you are in there."

_I know damn well that you are in there… blah,blah,blah _

Boss!

How did you get in here?

"The key Tony."

Oh, right, that would make since…

"Tony, what has been with you lately? You seem like you can't think straight, and it's really starting to get to me."

I have been just peachy Boss. You might wanna leave though 'cause I have a girl coming over later, you know, hot blonde, nice ass, ahhhh…

"DiNozzo, are you really lying to my face? Let me put that into different terms, are you TRYING to lie to my face?"

Boss! I'm offended that you think I would lie to you!

_Please just go! Gosh, just get out of my apartment so that I don't have to talk to you! Please just go!!!_

"Tony. You are very thin ice right now. Now tell me what the hell is going on with you!"

Listen Boss, I really don't want to talk right now.

"I know you don't Tony, but you need to."

It's nothing Boss. Seriously.

_Yeah, he's really buying that Tony. You aren't the brightest crayon in the box now are you?_

"Listen to me Tony, because this is probably the only time I'm going to say this, so listen closely. I want to know what's wrong. You never talk about your childhood, you don't come out to dinner with the rest of the team anymore, and you're shutting everybody out. I need to know what's wrong. Give me a chance Tony. Please."

You really don't want to he-

"God dammit, Tony! Just tell me! STOP shutting me out!"

I don't know where to start…

"Start with your childhood Tony."

**Okay sorry for the short chapter but I'm super tired and I wanna go to bed. Just in case you haven't caught on the **_**italics **_**are Tony's thoughts, also on my next chapter I will be improvising Tony's childhood so wish me luck! :P Reviews and Alerts are very much welcomed but really all I can do is ask you to read and give me a chance. Thanks!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N- Before I start this chapter I want to thank my very best friend Lauren, if it wasn't for her I would never be posting fan-fiction or writing. I also want to thank everyone who has reviewed and given me story alerts, it's an amazing feeling to wake up in the morning, check my email and see that I have 10 story alerts and reviews. So thank you so much for that! It really means a lot to me. **

So I guess I'll start from when I was 7…

"Okay, I'm listening."

Well when I was 7 years old my mom died. So it was just me and my dad left. After that point my dad really didn't care much for me. I rarely so him. But when I was 8 I saw him a lot more, mostly to take a beating from him, he turned into an alcoholic. The beatings started really slowly just getting spanked or slapped every now and then but nothing to really scare me. Then they starting getting really bad when I was 9 he threatened me, called me things I will never forget, and threw me around like I was nothing. I took a beating from him whenever he wasn't with one of his many girlfriends. Occasionally, his girlfriends would hit me to if he got them drunk. All he ever did was sleep around, beat me, and drink. I took all of his shit until I was 12 then he sent me off to military school. I never heard from him after that, he never came to graduation, he never called or e-mailed, from that point on I was alone. After military school I became a police, I went through many different towns working as a police, I couldn't hold down a job, until you found me. Ever since I have been working at NCIS and I have never been happier.

"Why now Tony? Why are you acting like this all of the sudden?"

Because I can't hide anything from you.

"You shouldn't even TRY to hide anything from me! Answer the question Tony."

Because my dad keeps calling.

"Why?!"  
To threaten me, he started it again. He's come over a few times to beat me too.

"Why didn't you come to me Tony?"

I don't know…

"Yes you do. Now I'm going to ask 1 more time, why didn't you come to me?"

Because I was afraid that you would think that I'm a sissy and that I can't stand up for myself. I was afraid you would think less of me. I thought that if I told you, you would fire me and I would be alone again.

"Tony, you are never going to be alone. What your dad did to you was wrong, your dad was synthetic. He may be in your blood, but you need to understand that you are way better than your dad. You deserve so much more Tony. What do you think of me as?"

Um…My boss.

"What else Tony? Don't be afraid to tell me."

A father. I think that you care more than anyone else ever has and that's why I shut you out. It's why I can't stand to tell you about any of this, it's why I hide from you and keep a mask over what I really feel. I'm not used to being loved Gibbs, and quite frankly I'm scared as hell to know that someone actually cares about me. It's so hard to process, I have a family. The amazing thing about life is that you can choose your family, you don't have to be in my blood to be my father, you just have to play the part. Truly, I feel like our team is just one big happy family. Abby is like the brainy little sister, McGee is like the little brother I have always wanted, Ziva is like the kick ass older sister who would do anything for me, Ducky is like a grandfather, and you're like the Dad. You have power over everyone, but you care about us all like we were your own children. I don't know if that's how you really are, or if we are just making up for the hole in your heart left from Kelly, but I do know that you care and that's enough for me."

"Tony, the team could never take Kelly's place in my heart, you're all like the children I wish I had. It's me, this is me, and the way I think about all of you is true. Have you ever known me to lie?"

No, Boss.

*****Now that the love fest is over can I get to whooping my son's ass? Because truly, this love stuff is disgusting, I don't give a damn about Junior I just want to beat him so move out of the way, "_Boss."_*****

**Do you like? I will add more soon. I would love some suggestions on how to go about the next chapter. Also, just in case you didn't understand the ending this * means that Senior is talking.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N- First off I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to give me a review or put my story on story alert, you wouldn't believe how much I appreciate it, so thank you so incredibly much for that! Now I know that there are a lot of you that really want Senior's ass to get kicked so let's just see how that goes!**

"You bastard!"

*I'm sorry? Are you talking to me?*

Gibbs…

"No Tony, sit down and let me handle this."

*Yeah Anthony, be a good little boy and let your Boss take care of this.*

, I am NOT a child anymore. I am a federal agent and I can kick your ass into next year, would you like that?

*? I am your father Anthony.*

Maybe by blood, but in any other way you're not, you're just a low life coward, and I will never love you.

"DINOZZO! I said sit down! Do **NOT **make me tell you again, that was a direct order Anthony."

Boss, I can take care of my own problems.

"No Tony, you can't, sometimes you have to ask for help, I know that it's not your specialty, accepting help but right now you have no choice."

*Ow. You gonna let him talk to you like that Junior?*

Yeah, I am. Because he cares about me way more than you ever have or ever will.

*Seriously? You're still going on that shit? I'm gonna kick your ass Junior!*

"No, you really aren't."

*You have absolutely no authority of what I do, Agent Gibbs.*

"Oh, sorry, I thought you understood the whole federal agent thing, maybe I should make it a little more clear for you."

_**(SMACK)**_

Gibbs! Are you trying to get fired?! Damn you think assaulting him is going to make things better?!?!

"Tony, he should be in jail, under abuse charges."

SO?! You shouldn't just hit him! I have been trying not to do that myself, but there you go smacking him so freaking hard and you just met the man!

*Aw! Junior you're sticking up for me?*

No , I would **never **stick up for you, I'm just trying to keep my boss from losing his job and his mind.

"Tony, I won't lose my job, I'm the best damn agent NCIS has right now, they won't fire me."

Oh, so it's okay for **you **to risk losing your job but it's not okay for me too?!

"Ton-"

*Okay, well if you boys don't mind I'm going to go. I'll be back for you Junior, this isn't over.*

"Nope, I do mind. You're not going anywhere but my interrogation room."

*You can't do that.*

"I can press charges against you for child abuse and assault to a federal agent."

*You don't have any proof.*

"I have Tony here, and that's all I need."

*Fuck you*

"Tony, you want to do the honors of cuffing your dad or do you want me too?"

You do it. I'll go start the car.

*You can't cuff me!*

"So sue me."

Ready Boss?

"Yep, let's go"

*I'm going to kill you Junior*

You can try, but I bet I can kill you first, considering I carry a gun 24/7.

*I never was proud of you Junior, you and your stupid cop shit.*

"He's not a cop, he is a federal agent"

*What's the difference? Either way you get a pretty badge and a gun. That's the only reason Junior likes this stupid job anyway, because he feels good carrying around a useless badge and a gun that he's probably to afraid to fire.*

Bullshit. I am _**NOT **_afraid to fire my weapon, and the badge isn't useless, also I love my job! You wouldn't have a clue if I did because we haven't said a real word to each other since I was 7 years old. You just left me with the military, you never cared. I was just your responsibility.

*Damn right! I'm glad that you finally realize that I never wanted to be _a daddy_! But I gave you clothes, food, a place to live, and I paid for years of military school! Do you know how much that shit costs?!*

You also abused me! Was that part of the premium _daddy _plan I got or was that just specially for me?! Really I want to know! You know what? You're a self-centered bastard seeking attention and I can guarantee you plenty of attention in prison, trust me those guys will love you!

*You're a sick bitch*

"Nope Senior, you are. No dad hits his son that is just plain disgusting. You know what? You're so damn lucky! I didn't get the chance to know my daughter, you get the chance! My daughter died when she was 8 years old, but for you Tony is sitting right next to you and all you can do is fucking rant on him, and tell him that you don't love him. Well guess what Senior, someone does love Tony! I do! I would be so fucking proud to have him as a son, you don't deserve him, and actually I probably don't deserve him either!"

Boss…

"Yes, Tony, It's true."

*Are you going to by his shit Junior? Do you really think that someone cares about you?*

You know what? I think I do, I may not be able to accept it right now, because I'm stunned that Gibbs said any of that, but I know 1 thing about Gibbs and that is that he never lies, at least not to me.

"Here we are Senior. Welcome to NCIS."

*I want a lawyer and I want to confess, I do not want an interrogation.*

"I know you don't, that's why we are going to do an interrogation it's my favorite part of the job. So I'm going to start with asking you few questions about your son, like for starters, did you know that he had the plague a year ago?"

**Yay! Chapter 4 is up! I am so sorry that you guys had to wait, but I have been working on this chapter all day, not even kidding, it took forever to write, and I know it seems short but it definitely took time to process through my brain on a rough draft, to the editing and revision and through to the final copy. Please review I would really appreciate it! I hope you like it so far, it really does take a lot of thought to come up with a new chapter everyday but I'm going to make this and then depending if you like it enough I will make a sequel, but if you don't like it then I will delete this and try to forget about it. Sorry about all the profanity in this chapter. Thank you guys so much! **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N- As always I want to thank each and every one of you who took the time to write a review or took the time to put me on story alert or author alert, it means so much to me. I want to express how I feel about a couple of great reviews I got, 1) I got a review saying that he/she found it difficult to read with using all of these " * " and I wanted to say that I totally understand what you mean and that I'm probably not going to fix that until I'm finished with the entire story, but if you still find it difficult to read then just send me a PM and I will go over and edit all my chapters and re-post them. 2) Someone told me that they didn't like the use of so much profanity in the last chapter and for those of you who were offended by that, I am so very sorry. I don't usually use that much profanity I really do try to keep it at a minimal level or not use any, I promise that I will hold back on using that much. If anyone else is offended by the profanity then just tell me and I will revise and edit that chapter. Now since I have bothered you with this very long authors note, I think we can get to the story.**

*My son never had the plague. He would have told me*

"Oh, so he was just supposed to think that after 20+ years you would care if he was dying?"

*But he didn't die. He's alive and well*

"That doesn't make up for the fact that you weren't there in his time of need! I was there every single day, watching him die! You're a self-centered jerk! Thank God that Tony didn't turn out like you!"

*I thought we were here for an interrogation, not for you to tell me about my son.*

"Fine, tell me everything abusive you did to your son, then you can be on your way to jail and I can go home and work on my boat."

*What makes you think that I did anything wrong? I highly doubt that I'm going to jail.*

"You little _self egoista centrato figlio di una cagna!_"

*Ouch, that really hurt. Calling people names isn't very nice Gibbs*

Did he just call my dad a… wow, Gibbs is officially demented.

"Do you realize how much emotional and physical pain you put your son through?"

*He was 8 years old, he's fine now.*

"Oh yeah, he's just peachy, do you know that I have had to kick him off the last 2 cases we had because he couldn't focus on anything?"

*Wait let me get this straight; you're blaming me for my son's actions 22 years **after** I_ supposedly_ put him through physical and emotional pain?*

"The pain last forever Anthony! It doesn't stop hurting! Espically since you haven't had a real conversation with your son since the kid was 7 years old! You don't have a clue how much you hurt him!"

*So you know exactly how much I hurt him? He told you that he's in unbearable pain?*

"No, he didn't but apparently I can read people way better than you can! Can't you see that Tony has a mask and he tries to hide everything? He **never **shares how he really feels, you want to know why? Because of you! You're at fault for everything that's screwing him up! You don't have a clue about how badly I want to throw your _addolorato asino _in jail!"

Wow, I never knew Gibbs spoke Italian.

*Either press charges or I'm leaving.*

"Go. But keep in mind that tomorrow you will be in jail, so enjoy your last night of freedom."

*Whatever. I'll be back for Junior.*

"No. No you won't."

Gibbs!

"Tony…"

What are we going to do now?

"Wait until he tries something stupid."

Hey, I never knew you could speak Italian!

"There's a lot you don't know about me DiNozzo."

Okay, well I have had a hell of a night, so I'm going to go back to my apartment and get some shut eye.

"No."

What? Why can't I go and get some rest

"You can sleep Tony just not in your apartment, it's not safe there."

I really don't want to spend the night at NCIS.

"I aren't. You're coming with me."

Now that I think about it, I think I would rather stay at NCIS.

"You're just putting off the inevitable, let's go."

But Bo-

"I said _**Let's Go!**_"

Yes, Boss.


	6. My apologies and a quick update!

**Hey! I want to say that I am SUPER SORRY for not updating recently! I could give you a billion excuses but it all basically comes down to the fact that I truly cannot think of what to put in the next chapter. I would like to ask a huge favor from those of you who are enjoying this story, if you have any ideas about how the next chapter could play out then please PM me and we can go back and forth throwing ideas around, and of course I will give you lots of credit for helping me, I would really appreciate it guys. If nobody has any ideas then I promise that I will go through my idea book (yes I have a notebook with just story ideas) and come up with something. Thanks for all the reviews and story alerts, they truly are the highlight of my day. All I can ask you to do is give me a chance and see where this story goes. If it works out well then I will start another story. I just wanted everyone to know that I am ****NOT ****abandoning this story; I will write more I just need to get a few ideas. **

**I also want to give LOTS of credit to my best friend Lauren, who has critiqued my writing and makes me a better writer every day. In the next chapter I will have changes that will make the story flow better. So thank you Lauren, you're absolutely amazing beyond belief!**

**Thanks!**

**Sarah/ NCISiscoolerthanyou**


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